VII Yang Mo & Wuyunqiqige, a lesbian couple: You don't need any changes.

Yang Mo, born in 1988, graudated from Hong Kong Baptist University.

(The following are from Yang Mo:)

I had fits of depression and I would be given to somber moods at my house. Nothing I can articulate. Then there was one day I exploded at my mother, crying, wailing. Afterwards my mother was very understanding. She said if there was ever anything bothering me just let her know.

I said: "I like girls, I had a girlfriend before, and so on …" My mom just said some things that reinforced my belief that "your mother is the only good thing on earth". She said no matter what her greatest hope is just for me to be happy whether it be with a man or woman as long I was happy. That's all that mattered but whatever choice I made. I would have to take responsibility as long as I did that then everything would be fine.

If in the future I would be with a woman.. She was really considering things on this scale of development how would we live, how would we get along with relatives and such, it was really something. At that time I was super excited I thought how could my mom be this open it was really something.

Afterwards I think she went back on her words a bit, but I don't know, anyways, right now I still really like women.

We met by a great coincidence, we both were online. She saw I had a photo album so she opened it up and went through. She really liked what she saw. So the two of us started talking. I knew this girl happened to be a legendary "T" (tomboy) at our school. The two of us would just text message or chat. It was thrilling, then we met up the first time.

I saw her, we slept together after that. Everything was really good. The two of us were inseparable like we had been attached at the hip. I think many lesbians are this way, very clingy just a quick peck on the lips would be enough to arouse some deep urges. I don't know why but I think that feeling is really wonderful.

After that the two of us lived together for a time. During that period, because I had never lived with a lover before, it was to me like being with family. I think the two of us were just right like that. Completely undisturbed by the outside world. Absolutely no need to lead our lives "out there". Just inside of our home. The two of us had a hell of a time. That house could have had nothing in it. Just two people playing music, and dancing or singing together, raising a ruckus this together, that together I think a powerful romance can be like this. I think many relationships require both parties to collectively seek, act collectively, take pains to get at the same thing only in that way can two people really share something. We were very natural in that way, we really enjoyed doing things together and happy almost to an extreme.

All the way up until one day I found out she had slept with another girl. It was a massive blow for me. I couldn't believe it. I thought that I had been so good to my girlfriend, my lover. I felt that in the twenty odd women I had dated I had never come across one so wicked or whatever you like no one had ever been like that to me. I would never have thought that someone I trusted like family could do that. In that moment I had no particular reaction.

I thought perhaps it was nothing so I didn't do any anything they had just lay next to each other sleeping that's all. Afterwards when the two of us were talking I noticed something was off at a deep level. I could sense that things had gone far beyond the physical between those two.

This is what makes people feel the most helpless. Whatever you happen to be doing no matter if it be in your career or studies you always depend to a great degree on yourself. If you exert 100% effort add a little luck, serendipity you might just succeed but only in love despite all your efforts you are in some way still always a bit helpless.

At that time I felt really hopeless I thought I might have a mental breakdown. I would dream of her at night I saw a psychologist for a while. To this point I'm still like that. If I see something really moving I won't shed a tear but all I have to do is see some news broadcast and I'll just break down in tears. Every time I see some story of heroism in the face of adversity I just bawl. That period of my life was very dark. I was unwilling to go out with friends even if I did, I had nothing to say. I was extremely depressed. On top of that, for so many years my mom was prone to blowing up in my face. It made me go into these fits of worrying because after all if I could only call her my relative and even she was unstable. I was really out of luck.

(The following are from Wuyunqiqige:)

I had a boyfriend in middle school, in high school and then again in college and it was in my inability to accept the idea of sleeping with a man. I came to think there might be something different about me. It was because all the people around me: men, women had done that kind of thing but I was just completely unable to accept it. I thought it to be just beyond comprehension. And interestingly during high school, many women liked me. One day, there was this girl who observed another girl was going to and from school with me everyday. So for that reason alone she went up and hit that girl. I just gestured at her and scorned, "are you some kind of queer? Are you sick or something?" I said, "Why do you have to go about this in such an extreme way, you have to have me, is that it?" Saying it again now it's quite interesting right now.

Looking back I also remember her saying "you're the damn queer!" So amusing. At that time I didn't know what homosexuality was. I just thought it to be thoroughly unbelievable. Why would two girls want to be together all by themselves. I really never rejected women all along. I never rejected them, it's just that I couldn't accept it. Why can't we all just get along. The three of us or the four of us can all do homework together or eat together at your house, anything. Why do you have to take issue with her? Why does she have to take issue with her? I just didn't understand it.

At college I started to examine myself. I thought that something must be off with me. Could it be that I'm gay? Or bisexual? Because I didn't reject men. Besides sex there was nothing. I would reject holding hands, hanging out, it was all OK. I just didn't get it.