I To Have Guts - Li Xinyun: I don't think they are dirty.

Li Xinyun, born in 1983 / Hometown: Chengdu

From when I was little, I raised cats from the time I can remember until right before I came to Beijing. I probably raised over twenty cats. I didn't buy any of these cats. Either my mother's friends or acquaintances knew I liked cats and would give them to me.

My father does (practices) boxing and martial arts. when I was little he already had several disciples. They were his followers In my house hung several large sandbags as well as dumbbells and iron rings. There would be about a dozen very young strong teenage boys at my house practicing martial arts.

My first cat I remember especially clearly was a small white and yellow cat. It was probably only born for two months before it came to our house. I liked him. The second morning when I woke up, I didn't see it on my pillow. I searched for it all day. The second day it still didn't appear. Later I discovered that my father's favorite student, while practicing martial arts, stepped on it and killed it That probably is also the first time I encountered death - the death of a cat.

After this incident happened, I was on the road where the classes let out. Inside the trashcan on the road where the kindergarten classes let out, I saw a dead cat. This dead cat still had a rope around its neck. I didn't even think it was a little dirty. Straight from the garbage can, I pulled the rope and dragged the dead cat back home. Then on the road everyone was watching me, saying that a little girl is dragging a dead cat as she walks. Probably some people thought it was a cruel thing, but in fact I only wanted to find a doctor that could make it healthy. I wanted it to live.

When I was young, I was not willing to let the kittens play inside the courtyard. This is because when I was four or five years old, my parents got divorced. Before that I was a carefree child, very boyish and high-handed. On the street there were several little girls that would play with us. Some were older than me. The older girls would take care of the younger kids. One time when we were playing a game, still today I remember this very clearly. During the game one child could ask the rest of the children a question. If a question was asked that pertained to you, you had to stand up. If only one child stood up to the question t hen this child received punishment. Afterwards a kid older than me asked a question and he said: "In this group of people who doesn't have a father?" I very honestly stood up. At the time I was sad. But I still wanted to remain calm, because we were playing a game. Afterwards the other children started clapping, thinking that I should receive punishment.

I very seldom speak about my father because my mom is a very determined person. It should be mentioned that when I was growing up, my father didn't try to fulfill any of his responsibilities. Because he had another family and child. I am this agitated because, last year around this time, it was February of last year, he passed away. February 18th 2009 he passed away. He passed away before I saw him but that is after already 18 years have passed. For 18 years I never saw him.

Sometimes I think that I am a liar because of course he didn't support me. He never lived with me. However, as I was growing up over the past 10 to 20 years, he was a pillar of strength for my soul. Because I love him and he is a very strong person. Whenever I received any bullying or encountered any difficult situation, I always would think about my father and his strength, Even if one day I am at the point of death, I still will have this kind of father that can protect me. Of course he was never at my side.

I remember I found out this information on the beach of southern Italy. That day my friend and I went together to the seaside to gaze at the sea. The sea breeze continuously blew through my hair. My friend stood next to me and suddenly looked at me and nervously said, Ah we should hurry back return to the hotel because this afternoon I want to catch a flight. When we were walking everyone suddenly asked me: Did you injure your head in the past? Because that part of your head has no hair. Afterward I causally looked for a nearby car window. Through the "mirror", I saw I had a patch of scalp. It was as big as a coin no hair. At that moment I started to cry. Because during that time I was very tired.

When I came back I returned to China. The first call I received was from my mother. You could say she seems to have a kind of premonition. I think she just wanted to speak with me about a difficult problem. However I never thought she would mention my father because in the past she would never mention him. Her first words: Your father is about to die. Can you come back?" When I heard these words, the tears already started streaming. But I was already accustomed to controlling these kinds of feeling about my father in front of my mother because of the divorce. If you follow your mother, then you tell your mother you still love your father your mother will definitely be sad. Therefore from a young age I would pretend that my father was like my enemies. I imagine my mother's heart had similar feelings. But when I heard my mother say these words, I could not stop my tears from starting to pour out. That day I bought the earliest flight and returned to Chengdu.

When I went to the hospital my mother accompanied me. Of course to this day I still don't know why she went with me. When I entered, there were three hospital beds. His bed was the closest to the window. He was lying down. When I approached him he still seemed to be sleeping. Then my mother woke him. When I looked into his first glance already I started to feel sad. Then he started to open his eyes fully, his hand seemed as if to be seeking out the same touch from my hand. He said, "you returned?" I then discovered he could not see because he had diabetes, terminal diabetes. His retinas had been destroyed because of a failed operation. He could not see me.