The rule of three helps you avoid being the "light bulb" when facing cryptic invitations. Provided to China Daily

Just Being Nice or a Genuine Offer? Cryptic Invatations are Common in Chinese Social Circles. Don't end up as the 'Light bulb' (电灯泡), or third Wheel.

中国人热情好客，但是对于中文不太灵光的外国人来说， 那些邀请真假难辨，他们很容易把中国人随便说说的话当真， 造成尴尬的局面。接到邀请时，如何判断该答应还是该拒绝呢?

'I did everything wrong," says Eric, a close friend. "I gan'ed all of my bei's, I let them buy me dinner, and I kept them out late into the night with my horrible singing. It wasn't until the next day that a third party told me the truth: my colleagues' invitation had merely been made out of politeness. The occasion was supposed to be private; but I barged in, eager to show off my drinking prowess. I've yet to be invited out with that group since."

Between Chinese friends, what appears to be an invitation can often just be a face-saving comment; and a misinterpretation can lead to an awkward night out. It is important you know when people are literally inviting you and when they are just being polite.

Do your co-workers really want you at their private event?

You walk in on a conversation. Your Chinese friends are discussing private dinner plans. Not wanting to make you feel left out, they invite you to join along.

"Great," you say. You are happy to be included. Blushing, your friends accept with an, ahem, forced cough. Their night is now ruined.

Avoid being that naive third wheel, or "light bulb" (当电灯泡 dāng diàndēngpào), as it is charmingly referred to in Chinese, hinting at the kind of illumination couples just don't need when canoodling in dark corners. Read the situation and get the message.

A friend who approaches and invites you out of the blue is sincerely seeking your company; but in circumstances like the one above be wary. Always use what we call the "rule of three".

The "rule of three" says that if an offer persists, the person offering is being sincere. Test your friend. Turn them down and wave your hand with a shy grin. If they insist you join them, then you are good to go. If they give in to your refusal, then you know they were just being polite.

Notice how the person making an offer persists despite being declined. Only then does the other party accept.

Xiao Li: Whoa, so many boxes. Let me help you take those upstairs.

Xiǎo Li: Zhème duō xiāngzi a. Wǒ bāng nǐ bān shàng lóu ba.

小李：这么多箱子啊。我帮你搬上楼吧。

Xiao Wang: Don't worry about it. I can handle it.

Xiǎo Wáng: Bùyòng le, wǒ zìjǐ bān jiùxíng.

小王：不用了，我自己搬就行。

Xiao Li: It'll be easier if I help. You'll wear yourself out.

Xiǎo Wáng: Hái shì wǒ bāng nǐ ba. Yíge rén bān duō lèi a.

小李：还是我帮你吧。一个人搬多累啊。

Xiao Wang: I don't want to trouble you. I can do it on my own.

Xiǎo Wáng: Bù dānwù nǐ, wǒ zìjǐ mànman bān ba.

小王：不耽误你，我自己慢慢搬吧。

Xiao Li: I'm not busy now. We can work together.

Xiǎo Li: Wǒ xiànzài méishìer, yīqǐ bān ba.

小李：我现在没事儿，一起搬吧。

Xiao Wang: All right then. Thanks!

Xiǎo Wáng: Nà hǎo ba. Xièxiè!

小王：那好吧。谢谢!

The same rule applies when deciphering an invitation. The inviter is just being nice. She doesn't try to talk Xiao Zhao into joining.

Xiao Wang: Let's go out for sushi tonight. I'll give you a call when I get off work.

Xiǎo Wáng: Jīntiān wǎnshàng qù chī shòusī ba. Wǒ xiàbān zhīhòu gěi nǐ dǎ diànhuà.

小王：今天晚上去吃寿司吧。我下班之后给你打电话。

Xiao Zhao enters the room.

Xiao Zhao: Great! I've had a craving for sushi recently!

Xiǎo Zhào: Zhēn hǎo! Zuìjìn wǒ tèbié chán shòusī!

小赵：真好!最近我特别馋寿司!

Xiao Wang: Xiao Zhao, join us tonight.

Xiǎo Wáng: Xiǎo zhào, gēn wǒmen yīqǐ qù ba.

小王：小赵，跟我们一起去吧。

Xiao Zhao: I'd love to, but I have to put in some overtime. Next time.

Xiǎo Zhào: Wǒ hěn xiǎng qù, dàn jīn wǎn de jiābān. Xià cì ba!

小赵：我很想去，但今晚得加班。下次吧!

Xiao Wang: All right. See you!

Xiǎo Wáng: Nà hǎo ba. Zàijiàn!

小王：那好吧。再见!

Here the inviter doesn't take "no" for an answer. She genuinely wants Xiao Zhao to join.

Xiao Li: Let's have pizza for lunch!

Xiǎo Li: Zhōngwǔ wǒmen chī bǐsà ba!

小李：中午我们吃比萨吧!

Xiao Zhang: Okay. Let's ask Xiao Zhao to join us.

Xiǎo Zhāng: Hǎo de. Jiào xiǎo zhào yī qǐlái ba.

小张：好的。叫小赵一起来吧。

Xiao Li: All right!

Xiǎo Li: Hǎo a!

小李：好啊!

Xiao Zhang: Xiao Zhao, are you busy this afternoon? Li Xiang is going to treat us to pizza!

Xiǎo zhāng: Xiǎo zhào, zhōngwǔ yǒu shíjiān ma? Li xiáng yào qǐng wǒmen chī bǐsà!

小张：小赵，中午有时间吗？李翔要请我们吃比萨!

Xiao Zhao: Nah, you two go out and have a good meal on your own.

Xiǎo Zhào: Wǒ bù qù le. Nǐmen liǎ qù chī ba.

小赵：我不去了。你们俩去吃吧。

Xiao Zhang: We haven't gone out to eat together in forever. Come on!

Xiǎo Zhāng: Zánmen hǎojiǔ méi zài yīqǐ chīfàn le. Yīqǐ qù ba!

小张：咱们好久没在一起吃饭了。一起去吧!

Xiao Zhao: I don't want to be the third wheel.

Xiǎo Zhào: Wǒ kě bùxiǎng dāng diàndēngpào.

小赵：我可不想当电灯泡。

Xiao Zhang: You wouldn't be. We're an old couple already.

Xiǎo Zhāng: Méiguānxì. Wǒmen dōu shì lǎofū lǎoqī le.

小张：没关系。我们都是老夫老妻了。

Xiao Zhao: All right, then! Let's meet downstairs at 12.

Xiǎo zhào: Nà hǎo ba. 12 diǎn zài lóu xià jiàn.

小赵：那好吧。12点在楼下见。

So what happens if you really can't make it for dinner? It's just as important to know when to accept a real offer as it is to know how to politely refuse.

Below are some different ways to firmly decline. By providing a reason for not being able to accept, you basically get out of jail free.

My classmate is in the hospital and I need to go help take care of him.

Wǒ de tóngxué zhùyuàn le, wǒ de qù zhàogù tā.

我的同学住院了，我得去照顾他。

Oh bummer, my good friend is getting married that day.

Zhēn bù còuqiǎo! Wǒ de hǎo péngyǒu nèitiān jiéhūn.

真不凑巧!我的好朋友那天结婚。

Sorry, but I've been really busy with work. I have to work over time.

Bù hǎoyìsi, zuìjìn wǒ de gōngzuò hěn máng, wǒ de jiābān.

不好意思，最近我的工作很忙，我得加班。

There are also ways to turn someone down more directly. The following euphemisms essentially say, "No, thanks":

Let me think about it.

Wǒ xiān kǎolǜ yīxià.

我先考虑一下。

That time isn't very convenient for me.

Shíjiān bù tài fāngbiàn.

时间不太方便。

I have something else planned.

Wǒ yǒu shì.

我有事。

Euphemisms and indirectness will take you a long way in China. Keep that in mind when you have been made an offer. "I wish I had known back then what I know now," Eric says. "When I first arrived in China, I was very direct with everyone. I took everything everyone had to say at face value. Now I know that's not the way the Chinese work. I finally feel like I'm starting to think more like a dragon and less like a cowboy."

Well, that is one way to put it. When accepting invitations, save yourself embarrassment and stick to the rule of three.

Courtesy of The World of Chinese, www.theworldofchinese.com

The World of Chinese

(China Daily 06/22/2012 page27)